Dear Ms. Smartphone: I am sort of dreading Thanksgiving next week because I have an aunt who ruins the occasion with her phone habits. During dinner she keeps the phone on the table and is always checking her messages. Before dinner, when we are talking, she insists on fact-checking every name or date. It’s so annoying. Helena
Dear Helena: It’s probably not just Thanksgiving day that is ruined by your aunt’s habits- more likely it’s any social gathering. Many relationships suffer these days one member prioritizes technology over the people in the room. This problem becomes acute at Thanksgiving because families spend more time together.
Technology has long been a part of the Thanksgiving tradition. Before there were mobile phones that disrupted the family get-together, there was over-the-air, then cable television. Watching parades and football games became a Thanksgiving tradition. Unlike phones, TV viewing took place in a side room, usually not the one where dinner was served, and guests often watched together. Phones bring a more solitary experience, and they often join the dinner table alongside the napkins and place setting.
Conversation Zapper:
We now know that the presence of a phone, even a silent one, changes the tenor of conversation. As you intuit, it seems to make the other people in our conversation circle feel less valuable and appreciated. Perhaps it is knowing that someone or something of greater importance can chime in, or there will be interruptions.
You could try expressing this concern to your aunt, but it might well fall on deaf ears. She might have difficulty interpreting your sincerity. For an increasing number of phone users, smartphones are like an appendage, and it would be unimaginable to cut it out of their lives. In that case, here are a couple of suggestions:
Tipsters:
FIrst, check out the Yondr pouch- it is typically used in schools and events, but the idea is that everyone has to deposit their phone in a zip bag during an occasion. If you find a festive holiday cloth and access to a sewing machine, you could whip up some cute version of the bag for your guests. Just make sure to leave these bags outside the dining room and insist that the ringers be turned off. The downside? The socially minded do not get to take those pictures of the glowing baked turkey and funny anecdotes do not become part of a bigger TikTok moment shared publicly.
A second tip requires some skill on your part. Perhaps you and like minded guests can steer the conversation away from facts that your aunt would like to look up on her phone, and keep the topics towards the here -and- now. Could she help in the kitchen or organize the younger children? You have to remember that, for whatever reason, she may use her phone as a shield. She can insulate herself from connecting in the present moment but assure herself that she is helping with (phone) facts- at- hand. Or perhaps she will insist that she is connecting with other family members even further away.
There are no easy fixes. Celebrations of the Thanksgiving meal is going to change as both food choices and devices update. From music once played over phonographs and radio, then Thanksgiving Day TV programs, family photo albums we share, and now smartphone snippets- families will be bringing along technology to the gathering. The key, as in everything, is rearranging their place, and perhaps using them in succession, as you seek that balance.