Is Texting Wrong Here?

Dear Ms. Smartphone: It is a holiday, Yom Kippur, and I find that some of my relatives are not involved with our family’s cherished routines. These relatives, who have moved away, seem totally disconnected from the family except for texts they send plus birthday cards. Usually I have to text them first. Should I text my disapproval? Marcela, Swampscott

Dear Marcela: You ask a contemporary question! As technology changes so do our interpersonal relationships. Based on what you wrote, your lament is not a one-off. The texts you exchange are fragile, both in number and in content.

No doubt, it is hard to pick up the phone and dial these relatives, but that would be my advice. If you continue to rely on text it will magnify your differences. When you send a text, you don’t know how it is received (is the person alone or in a group, focused, reading carefully etc.) nor where (e.g. in the bathroom, in the car, etc). That could account for some of the misinterpretation, but not all.

If you converse on the phone (presuming they answer your call), you can speak your mind, and convey more emotions and explanation. Importantly, you can listen to their viewpoint and gain some clarity. This is a very good article describing all the things that are lost by texting and gained by using a phone call instead.

If you have not seen these relatives in awhile, you could propose a Skype chat, but if you do so, be prepared to have a subliminal moment processing how they look, their surroundings, and whether they are reacting to your call as an intrusion or as a nurturing intervention. I would be concerned that the additional visual cues could hamper your reconnection. Good luck!